Kittens are arseholes


Photo by <a href="">Andriyko Podilnyk</a> on <a href="">Unsplash</a>

A new addition to the Man of the Internet household, a small fluffy kitten.  While being adorably cute and acting a bit of a moron while he grows up and finds his feet and explores the world around him we have made the shocking discovery, kittens are arseholes!

We have a dog and did put in the research in to how we should introduce them. We read all the books and have taken all the necessary precautions to aid there smooth integration together. However, there is one thing that nobody ever tells you no matter the sauce of information “cats are little bastards”. As soon as they were both together and things looked like they were going well the bloody cat started hissing in my arms towards the dog. If you want to imagine the sound think a flock of swans with their young at a tranquil lake all hissing at you with the volume on max then you will have some idea of that the cat sounded like. The dog’s reaction “yeah about this, nope I’m out of here. Good luck guys” while walking with a determined pace out of the room.

Being a dog owner for all of my life it is hard to get your hear around a cat’s litter tray. I am so used to opening the back door to the garden and letting it do its business in nature. Cats for all I can see are spoilt rotten and need a tray to do their business in because the outside is just too dirty for them heaven forbid that they get their little feet dusty. While having a contained non-spill tray is not the worst thing in the world I hear you say and I would agree with you if but not this cat feels the needs to scrape everything in to one corner and then continue to push it over the edge on to the floor excrement and all. What a lovely surprise to squidge between your toes one early morning as you drag yourself to make the first cup of coffee to wake up…

As I have mentioned above, we are trying our best to slowly introduce the cat to our dog, which is starting to get off to a good start. That would be if the bloody cat would stop bolting to every door the second it opens which then in turn makes the dog to completely ballistic taking us back a few stages in training once again. This is every door not just a bedroom or cloak room but also the toilet, which can be a tad bit problematic when you really need to go but there is a cat clawing at your legs like its climbing to reach the peak of Everest, kind of hard to concentrate pooping in pain it not an experience I want to have every again!

Let me set the scene for you, it is late in the evening, the dog had taken itself away for a pre sleep before a night of sleeping (bloody hell I want to be a dog) and the cat had settled down, I thought I would be in for a bit of peace by myself, wrong! As the cat started walking around to find the next comfortable spot to sit as it scrabbled up on the top of the sofa like some sort of free rock climber, I realised that it would not be as calm as I once thought. Two-exposed claw equipped paws dug in to my head, the cat climbed up on top of my brain holder and found that magical just right place to rest, I am frankly not amused. The cycle of picking him up putting him down to only watching him go back to the top of the sofa once more and repeat continued until I gave up, admitted defeat and went to bed with a few more scratches than I started the day with.

Murder claws, kittens have murder claws if you did not get the gist of above. Kittens have absoultly no idea what to do with them so they just try sick them in to everything they can. While I do not mind them being used on the scratch post or in the litter tray, as this is somewhat natural for them I do mind it on the back of your legs. You are never safe, what once was a noneventful walk to the kitchen from the living room is now a treacherous path constantly on the lookout for a guerrilla style attack as any moment. Getting a cup of tea and a biscuit has never felt so dangerous!

For all those you are contemplating getting a kitten while they may appear small and harmless bundles of joy there are in fact little devil like bastards who won’t take a second thought about murdering you in your sleep or causing you pain while sitting back and watching you bleed. Now if you could please excuse me while I go find the antiseptic and plasters to sort out these scratches!


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