TikTok, WTF even is this?


Now being somebody who has grown up in the age of the internet and witnessed all the mightily social media giants from their earliest days of conception to watching some of them fall to the land of lost to memories I can happily say I have seen it all. That was until TikTok reared its ugly head, TikTok is something else!

There has always been attention-seeking individuals before the age of technology but platforms like YouTube and Twitch have given them centre stage in front of millions of people. We have all seen content lacking vlogging video of some socialite in sun soaked California just keep waffling on about this and that to which will have added no value to the watchers life what so ever. TikTok on the other hand just seems to be full of self-centred morons sharing their life as if they are royalty while dancing and acting like some forgotten “Z” list singer lip-syncing on MTV.

For all those who have not ventured in to this new-fangled social media fear not for I have done it for you to save you the pain and eventual wasted time of your life. From my extensive research, I have found the four types of content that TikTok has to offer: dancing videos, showing off videos, videos of people lacking clothing and finally videos of people being a dick.

Dancing videos, from what I gather this is almost all of the content that TikTok has to offer. A bunch of morons badly dancing filmed on a budget iPhone in their bedrooms. While I have seen a few people with very impressive talents that they really should be doing something that will make use of their skills, the majority on the other hand have the coordination of a burly man falling out of the pub after last orders trying to call a cab and remember where his house it. By that, I mean utter rubbish that should have never made it on the internet.

Showing off, oh boy do they show off! I cannot tell you how many stunning luxury beach view homes or all the sports cars driving at excessive speeds on roads flanked by pristine palm trees but it’s enough to make you feel sick with envy. Even the little things that you might be able to achieve in your day to day “normal” life are corrupted by somebody else showing off. One such theme of video I stumbled across was people’s bookshelves, now I am not talking about people’s first printed collections or books that are as rare as a non-lying politician but just plain normal looking books. The sheer quantity of books and there bloody organisation in to size, colour and author makes my single book shelf unit look rather amateur, heaven forbid that I put Jamie Oliver’s Cook book next to the Lord of the rings…

Lack of clothing, oh bugger I am turning in to that father who stereotypically is not happy with his teenage daughter going out wearing just “that”. There are so many women on TikTok collecting views backed only off the male gaze as they prance around in a skimpy outfit, your grandmother would disapprove. Now I am 100% not one to give fashion advice but you don’t have to sell yourself out like that have a bit of respect for your abilities other than flaunting flesh for some perv on the internet…

Being a dick is another category of video you will sadly gaze upon; there is a wide variety of dickish behaviour to be seen all over the place. I have seen some downright bullies pissing of people not just confined to the classroom but out in the real world on the streets too, frankly the day that one of these jump scare morons gets a clean right hook to face could not come any sooner. Pranks, don’t get me started on pranks, your better half getting covered in bog roll may be funny to those close to you but doing it to a unsuspecting partner and putting it on the internet is just being a dick head and if you break up so be it you deserved it. Good luck wiping your bum with all that wasted loo roll!

I really have tried not to sound like an old grumpy man who has fallen behind a the world rushes away with new, bright and shiny technology off in to the distance while I am left clinging on to my old fashioned and outdated YouTube and Facebook which has been gathering dust in the corner of the internet. BUT, I am totally sure that I’m not the only person thinking that TikTok is the biggest pile of human excrement that has ever been programed. The day that they close the final hosting servers will be the day I crack open a bottle of the bubbly stuff. Now leave me be while I get my housecoat, slipper and a nice cup of hot chocolate…


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