Never poo on your own time! 💩


Never poo on your own time!

Bit of a strange statement right? I do not normally go out of my way to give out life advice to everybody but here we are. This one to give it credit is helpful for a change will save you money!

There are two recurring times in life where you can pounder the mundane things in life; one being the shower and the other sitting on the loo. For some odd reason we all seem to be hard wired in this modern world to not be allowed to become bored, we simply can’t just do nothing. A real world example of this is when you are in the shower or taking a bath. Right at that very moment when you are not using a large portion of your brain you will start to notice all of the little things around you,  like that black mould growing around the window that needs cleaning or you’ll try to work out why there is crusty stuff growing around the tap (yep I found out from a previous visit in time, I was bored in the shower, it’s limescale) we just can’t help it! This inbuilt anti boredom feature is what lead me to make this finically beneficial discovery to better the working force of humanity.

Let me paint the picture of this ground breaking discovery for you, you best not be expecting a Van Gogh I don’t think paining somebody taking a dump is really his style. So right to the critical event. Around 30 minutes after the first morning coffee things get moving in the old human fertiliser factory and one needs to visit the porcelain poo palace, I walk in, lock the door, drop the trousers and place my arse down on the wood effect toilet seat ready to catch up on the daily news on my mobile phone but here where the disaster that ultimately lead to my discovery strikes, I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE OTHER ROOM, boredom rapidly consumed my existence it was horrific and traumatic!

At the peak of my despair there was a spark, a saving grace that would pull me out of the depths of self-loathing I inflicted upon myself. That spark developed in to a thought “why do I need my phone, how long am I going to be here?” and that is when it all started. My mind went running wild with such deep and meaningful questions which I am surprised that science has yet to answer, “how much of my life will I spend on the loo”, “I wonder how may trees I have wiped my bum with” and “what really is around that U bend?”.  Being just before payday and my bank account looking frankly anaemic there was a predisposition towards saving money my focuses shifted to how I could save money. This my friends is where it hit me, an epiphany some would say! (or is it epoophany?)

“If I poo at work I won’t have to buy my own loo roll, or use my own water and I’LL GET PAID TO POOP!”. From that moment that was it I was on a mission now how much money could I possibly earn by just pooping at work, just like your maths exams from back in school I’ll show my workings out for you to see.

When you take a step back and start thinking how long your there over a week, a month and even a year it starts to dawn on you that these are some pretty big numbers.  Before I start calculating the finer details I must say that my browser history has never been the same since I Googled “now many times does the average person poo a day”, its twice a day apparently according to my searches. Therefore, I am going to assume that one of these is at work and the other at home, which is five poops a week!

So how long do you spend pooping, yet again Google search history scarring moment, it is about five minutes. 5 times 5 equals 25 minutes a week, that times 52 for weeks in a year and you get 1300 so just over 25.5 hours a year! Now for the how much is that time in money I’m going to use the average UK hourly pay from a year ago in 2020 which was £15.14, so that last bit of math, hours of pooping times pay per hour will equal £386.07!

Now I know a lot of you will say “but holiday needs to be taken out too” and “do you work 52 weeks a year” yes I get it this is not a mathematical thesis it was thought up during time taking a crap it won’t be a spot on example so go ahead and refine it if you want, give me a break will you, I might need to wipe!

Going to have to close this one off for today as I need to head to work this morning and pray there is no traffic stopping me on the way or this will be a rather worrying drive, which may end up with my car needing valeting! Happy pooping… on works time!


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